The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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