What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
