Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
