This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
