I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
