And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
