3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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