oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
