Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize