Your mouth is God's brothel.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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