If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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