dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
