Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Operation Purity has been aborted
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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