Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
