her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
