i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize