Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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