she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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