I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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