He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize