You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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