I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
