i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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