dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
