Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
