covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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