This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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