So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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