i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
