but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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