If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
