If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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