My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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