Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
