Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
