I need to stop coming to work sober
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
