apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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