Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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