can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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