i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
