Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
