I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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