Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
birth control should be required to get into college
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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