i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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