yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
