this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
