Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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