You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
