trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
