I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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