Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
