ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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