Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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