i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
