You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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