You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
