evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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