I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
