Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
