so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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