Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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