I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
